Oh how I’ve grown in such a short time. Thoughts of being torn inside when the answer to how are you was always fine. Striving to live without love, a myth amongst lies. Two years since I attempted to let go, crazy how time flies. A bottle with your name on it while I die of thirst. How crazy would I be if I said I truly loved you first? Concerned about the past, checking my rear view every mile. Now focused on the future, and it’s filled with your smile. I promise to see you soon. I’m just waiting for the right afternoon. To say I’m not nervous would be a complete lie. I’m afraid of how you’re going to make me feel inside. For your eyes are my weakness, that’ll never change. No matter the growth, some things are too pure and will always stay the same. I can’t even continue expressing myself. I may really need your help. So here’s what you need to do. You need to just do what you do and always remain true. Always be you. My heart would never lie to me about this. It may get confused from time to time, but your heart is something it would never allow me to miss. But I do miss you.
Shit, I was just thinking the other day when it was you and I in the car. I don’t remember whose car it was, but I do remember the conversation. We were talking about friendship and how I felt scarred. I felt like I could never have a female best friend again. And wow I’ll never forget your face. You did not seem happy at all. But I didn’t understand at the time. I was dumb. I did so many dumb things. That moment always stuck out to me. But there was another moment……
Empowered by love, I stand before you a broken man. No longer able to feel, I have no use for these hands. Holding your trust is no longer possible. Surrounded by lust, love no longer possesses my words. I stood my ground and survived every blow. With my heart no longer worn on this sleeve, these bruises I’ll never allow to show. Standing defeated, depleted by my own mistakes. I can’t help but wonder how much more I can take. It’s all fake, with a damn good time to cover it all. I hover over what used to be, carefully watching as the rain continues to fall. Collected rainfall to quench my thirst. A constant reminder that this is far from a first. Demons steadily lurk dreaming of my demise. Wondering if it’ll ever work, regrets of looking into the angel’s eyes. Another hive of black and yellow, it stings at just a thought. The bad and ugly used to define, for the good is what we forgot. It takes a lot to refrain from separation. To vanish would mean to leave behind that of no relation. Becoming stationed in the what ifs, demoralized by what is. Never following a trend, asking who is….For that does not ring a bell, but brings familiarity to light. Choosing to remain at the corner, no longer able to fight. What a sight to see, what a wonder to explore. The eyes of the connected have now fallen to the floor. No longer able to endure more, shock is sent to the lungs. Breathless at the moment, dying to breathe its air. In a life full of beauty, this strangely feels unfair. Shaking in despair, the unwanted becomes worthy. Forgetting the nerves, becoming numb to the moment. Spoken into existence, yet speechless when displayed clearly. It became everything to me. Be that there is so much to choose, the heart can only decide. Yet it still runs and hides. Fearing what became, a feeling so magnificent. Appalled by its outcome, but amazed by its deliverance. A hindrance nonetheless, created by delicacy. Such a sight to see. Cheek to cheek, the expression narrates the story. Describing a passing, unable to fathom what was believed to be for me. For if I was there, adoring unconditionally would no longer be considered mundane. Marks left by these words would no longer be just a stain. Refrained from consistency, witnessed by unprecedented predictability. Mythologized admiration replaces persistency. Beat after beat, this melody becomes familiar. Lyrically motivated, true love begins to form……if I was there.
Where do I start? I used to think about you everyday. Wondering where you are, how you are. I used to dream about your embrace. I used to smile thinking of the faces you would make. Who I am kidding? I still do. And I miss you. Sorry, is that okay? Why am I asking your permission? See, I used to have trouble with my feelings. What caused me to write all this was a bit exaggerated. What do I mean by this? In order to get my feelings across, I needed to deepen the meaning. It reflects how deep the love could be. But the problem was the action. I never reacted. I was always trying to be several steps ahead. What fun is that? Why try to be in full control? Why attempt to dictate when love arrives and how strong that love is? This makes it unnatural. This is not genuine. So I’ve learned that you allow the energy of love to take its course no matter how long it may take. Our crafts are nearly perfected through hard work and dedication. But my portrayal of this was incorrect. There may be nothing wrong with loving and loving hard, but nothing should ever be forced. My heart would beat so hard for you. I always felt this rush. It hurt me. So why continue to put myself through it? Not because I feared never having your love, but because of the fear of you never properly receiving mine. Time passes and those days become memories. How I constantly pray to do it all over again. This is not feasible in the slightest. My mark was made. But I was told that if I truly, I mean TRULY love, then I should not be afraid to love. I should not hold back my love to satisfy. I should not deter my love because it is what my heart desires to give. What I received was a gift that I was setting myself up for my entire life. The world brought you to me. Yet I felt like I always knew you. But your eyes, your smile…they were a breath of fresh air. Never had I felt anything like it. So now, you ask why I ask your permission. It is a call out for your words to bless my small ears. I promise I will listen. Because I hear you even when I’m not around you. I feel you. You left your mark. Unforced. You never asked me for a thing. Not even my love. You were just taking in the genuine care that I had for you. You are not who you were then, but you’ve grown and the pure parts of you would never fade. I believe in my heart that the epitome of who you are was shown to me. But I never looked at you as one thing. Your presence alone was not what I fell for. It was a million little things. Those things that made you…you. So as I journey through life, I hold dear to my heart the memories. And I want you to know that I meant every word. You helped me become honest with myself about how I feel by simply being you. And in return, I was honest with you. And my heart never forgot about you and that feeling you gave. But I am at ease. And I do, as I stated, love you. No matter the time or distance, that doesn’t change. I don’t try to make it change, nor do I force it upon the world. I just let it flow. Because I believe that the world will send it in the right direction. It is the million little things that I carefully observed and truly admired. A work of art. Perfection in the eyes of the lover.
I miss every little tiny thing. And that’s okay.
Another chapter has begun. This has to be the right one. I’ve learned that love cannot exist without truth. And I hope to find that in you. For months now, I have felt my heart ache for it, yearn for it. What I dearly need for survival only comes bit by bit. Hit by hit, suffering from the blows of this loveless space. Suffocating from the lack of breaths I have left to sigh in this heartless place. Will it ever be time? Will I ever be ready to look and find? Do I possess the strength to give it my all? Is there any will to get up again if I fall? Trapped in this house painted by the blood from the cuts that I now get to call scars. I can no longer fathom the essence of fresh air from afar. Toxic thoughts flow through my brain triggering ice water through my veins. On a high from your reply. I’m pathetic, I know. But what’s left of me I needed to show. No rush, as you should never run with your heart on your sleeve. Your touch allows me to breathe in what you breathe. Conceived by love destroyed by selfish demons. Engaging in too deep with forced reasons searching for a truer meaning. Defined by flaws with a story that I fear to tell. Another lost heart in this place I call hell. Burning desires to give until Love takes me back home. Patiently waiting impatiently by the phone. That is not where my heart lies, but a force says the opposite. I was born to love, but you know how I get. Enamored by simplicity, a conversation strengthens this dim light. I enter the clouds that blur my vision as I take flight. What have I done to get to this moment? Hearts I failed to have stolen. I’m a washed up love thief whispering good grief as I deplete before your precious eyes. But that is not I, for I have accepted Love into my heart again with no tears left to cry. I’m alive and here for your study, feel free to touch. Feel my warm skin as I take in your warm soul, a lack of lust. As you smile, remember that I too want your smile. For I have become possessive of the possessions I lack in my possession, all to say I hope that you can stay awhile. I can’t say that it’ll be perfect, but at the very least I can make it worth it. This is not a plea for your love, nor a cry for your attention. This is an attempt at retention, a love redemption. Lock me in Love. Lock me in.
I seem to be surprised by how I’m feeling. I’m in a neutral state most of the time, kind of like a state of healing. I’m hurt on the inside, trying my best to not let it show. It’s building up on the outside, trying my best to not let it grow. During times like this, I would say that I’m a mess. But I’m cleaning this mess not caused by myself but you would of never guessed. I keep telling myself that it’s all my fault and that I’m the reason for my pain. But I was doing better before I allowed the wrong things to step into my lane. I gave more than I received, but made it seem like it was greed on my part. I loved more than I was loved, but made it seem like I had the evil in my heart. The more I become aware, the more I become scared. Scared that I’m going to allow insignificance to destroy my ability to care, thinking I should of never cared. Why should I ever second guess the man that I am, allowing others to define me? Only the real things in my life could possibly see. See that all I wanna do is live to love and laugh. All I wanna do is laugh while I have love in my grasp. What a feeling it was to love!
Time may have passed and memories were had. But I wanna reconnect. This occasional misery I’m glad you were never able to see. Because it isn’t me. I got engulfed in this world that I don’t belong. But I stayed strong. And I just think of the times where I smiled at just a thought. Now my heart becomes heavy with just a thought. I’m disappointed in us. Not you, but us. To disconnect and barely say a word. As disappointing as it may sound, it may have been for the better. It seems like you’re doing good, and I’m not so good but I’m getting better. You realize things when your world turns upside down. That mental stability is no joke and keeping your emotions in check can be balling your eyes out from time to time. That we should not mold ourselves to be accepted by others. That life is not all about drama and gossip. That we need to let go of how we believe it should be and embrace all that it’s becoming. I’ve learned that and it’s made me into a better man. I may have my setbacks but GOD I THINK I CAN LOVE AGAIN!! I may have trust issues due to my exposure to this other world but it’s a work in progress.
Love is my life. To love my family, to love my friends. To love a woman, to love my career. To love my life. I can’t allow anyone to take away my ability to love. For without love…I am nothing.
The urge to no longer resist the urge to call you. Thinking of how our distance apart made me realize that I can barely do without you. And it’s okay to say you’ve missed me too. I daydream daily hoping that you do. And call me crazy for still loving you like I did. Cause if I had nothing to hold on to, I wouldn’t of stayed strong like I did. I felt like back then I was just a kid. And of your love I could never rid. Nor did I ever want to. It’s forever going to be my favorite part of you. I try to sit back and look at it from an outsiders point of view. But the way I felt for you, they would of never knew. It was pure in every way of I could think. We had a bond, an everlasting link. For what we did for each other, effort aside. You learned that real love, true love, couldn’t ever hide. You became the one, the one I’d be afraid to lose. Between loving them and loving you, I could always choose. I’d protect your heart at all times. Cause to love you and not protect you is a heinous crime. You were my dime I couldn’t mind spending my penny for your thoughts and a nickel for your kiss. And it’s the way you understood is what I dearly miss.
So if you’re seeing this, it’s because you care. You still love too. You once had tears in your eyes when I expressed my interest in you. And nothing has changed for the worse. Life was just complicated at the time. But we kept an open mind. Listen, I’m not asking for you to do anything, really. I just wanted you to know that I miss you. I never forgot about you. And God, you must be more amazing than I remember. You’ve probably matured enough to scare me a little. But you don’t have to do a thing. Not a thing. Just continue to follow your heart. Because it brought us all this far. I love you my friend. We will always have that.
For a moment, everything stops. Everything is still, every little rain drop. Our eyes meet and our worlds collide. Now locked, there’s no place to hide. There’s no place to run. There’s no time to cry. We face our biggest fear, with not a moment to spare. And as our eyes look down, we’re no longer there. We’re no longer aware of the world around us. We’ve fallen into the mystery that is love and that is trust. Who are we? The question that is thought by him and thought by she. An everlasting memory of a moment where everything was right, it was all meant to be. How crazy. We collided. In real time, we decided. We decided that we could not stare a moment longer. We risk disappointment and this connection never getting stronger. But there’s a smile as we are tempted to do it once more. To feel gravity no longer exist, our bodies rise off the floor. Our fears and insecurities buried deep down to our left. To think of what’s holding us back, when there’s really nothing left. In that moment, we were free. It was just you. It was just me. Nothing else mattered, for all we needed was a glance. To journey through it all…friendship, love, romance. It seemed possible in a world full of misery. We had a connection…Mentally, emotionally, physically.
There’s something about a moment when your eyes meet and fall at the same exact time. Time no longer exists, and for it, there’s no need to find. A moment so innocent, so pure. A speck of time where you both thought you were in love for sure. That instance changed your lives forever. Now we start to wonder if a moment so short could ever get any better. We found love in a hopeless place, in plain sight with no disguise. We found truth in that moment in the heart behind our eyes.