Surrounded by darkness, I lay here still, thinking of you. Lately, that seems like the only thing I’m able to do. Staring aimlessly, I feel my heart beating slowly. Lately I can’t help but feel lonely. Emotions at a high, pressing down to make me feel low. Ignorant as it may be, there’s things about me that only you know. Feelings fostered by a single sighting. An unprecedented war only fought within. Battles lost, wondering if this will ever change. Burden bearing, I have to be the one to blame. For you’ve done no wrong. Selfishly, I brought you in never questioning if you even wanted to belong. Creeping in the shadows, pretending not to see her. No longer a believer, I’ve ungraciously become a love fearer. I’ve watched as Love becomes a thing of the past. Redefined by selfish opinions, it can no longer bear to last. Lust driven, Love is on a road of destruction. No fucks given, it crashes at the hint of constant affection. Begging for love proposals, but disgusted when presented. A chance never given, we’ve all become relentless.
I now fear to love. I fear that she’ll be with me just because. Only cause I actually try and I’m a safe bet. But I want it to be deep and be the only reason you get that funny feeling you get. But I fear that things will unwind. Or maybe….I’ve just run out of time. Refusing to accept anything less than your soul that is within. But I no longer know where to begin. I no longer feel that I am worthy of your heart, as mine has become worthless. Without love in my heart, I am worth less. You, my darling, have blessed my life more than you can imagine. And without you in it, I cannot fathom. But this may be the time I let go. But before I do, there is something you need to know. When I first met you, I felt like you had always been in my life. Your presence and your touch always felt so right. You made me believe that there was someone made for me. So I’m sorry that this is how it has to be. For I’ve exhausted my chance love. My love is now worthless
Can I speak on Love again before it goes extinct? Can I wonder what it is of me that you think? Drink til you can’t think, I must be on the brink of losing my mind. Blinded by my find that no matter how much I love from a distance, you’ll never be mine. Spineless I’ve become, hoping you’ll come keep me up. Struck with a thought that maybe I’ve run out of luck. I’ve imagined you by my side before I close my eyes. Deprived of your eyes, I can longer stare like when the bright sun shines. I can feel you looking, long enough to become a stare. But something in my mind tells me not to look over there. For I have fallen before, enduring a rough landing. I have already been blessed with being directly where you’re standing. Taking in your air, playing with your hair. To now be deprived of such is truly unfair.
Influences overtaking the purity of our genuine souls. Saying we don’t need each other, preparing to be alone til we’re old. As our worlds continue to unfold, we’re exposed to the reality of time. And when our stories are told, they’ll all hope that you become mine. So in the meantime, save a piece of your heart for me. I promise to approach with caution and hold it gently. A former thief in the night, your heart I’ve tried to steal. But when given the opportunity to take, something else was revealed. A superwoman in her white dress. A curly headed, singing angel, wow I was blessed. Years apart, but never felt so close. But I shall reap what I sow…..letting you go. Precious time wasted, with thoughts of my past scarring my heart. What’s done is done, no longer being able to get back our time apart. Just a little piece I hope you have left, I need that fighting chance. Regaining my composure, now adjusting my stance. Turning that sliver of your heart into something bigger. This is what goes through my head when I think of her. You’ll never tell me to move on, always remembering the time we met. For when we met, our destiny was already set. Just a piece to motivate to recreate. Just a piece to bring me to see your pretty face. Just a piece for an old friend. Just a piece to make me fall in love all over again.
Brushed back, waving as you pass me by. I remember the first time I got lost in your eyes. Surprised that love at first sight was real, I spent my alone time thinking it thru. Was it was forced by my discombobulated mind, or was it simply the striking presence of you? A connection that was pre-made, just waiting on the right time to click. Coming off the worst time of my life, I wasn’t ready for it. But what is meant to be will be. So it was inevitable that you would forever be a part of me. There was some questioning about the time we were made to meet. But there was an obsession with what God sent my way, that I fell for you from your head down to your feet. As our connection progressed, mistakes occurred. My mind took over my heart and my vision of love was blurred. I lost touch of the most amazing thing put in front of my eyes. All I had to rely on was your yearly surprise. Once halted to an end, I had nothing left to give as I imagined you had all you needed. After a battle with my emotions, I felt defeated.
I continue on to this day understanding that I can’t help but have your best interest at heart. I yearn to hold you, support you, hoping what has yet to come to be the best part. I still battle with myself, but my mind no longer has the control. All I do now comes from my heart and soul. And I just need you to know that I never stopped loving you. Every part of you. I still want to learn more about what makes me you smile, what makes you cry. I want to hug you forever, ensuring I never again let you pass me by. I have things in life that I want, and I will forever strive for every single one. But no matter what I accomplish, without you I will never be done. You told me that I shouldn’t stop myself from loving you because I think that is what you wish. I held on to those words and this is why I’m writing this. I want the best for you always, unconditionally. With your best interest at heart, I promise you that this is not the last you’ll hear from me.
Oh how I’ve grown in such a short time. Thoughts of being torn inside when the answer to how are you was always fine. Striving to live without love, a myth amongst lies. Two years since I attempted to let go, crazy how time flies. A bottle with your name on it while I die of thirst. How crazy would I be if I said I truly loved you first? Concerned about the past, checking my rear view every mile. Now focused on the future, and it’s filled with your smile. I promise to see you soon. I’m just waiting for the right afternoon. To say I’m not nervous would be a complete lie. I’m afraid of how you’re going to make me feel inside. For your eyes are my weakness, that’ll never change. No matter the growth, some things are too pure and will always stay the same. I can’t even continue expressing myself. I may really need your help. So here’s what you need to do. You need to just do what you do and always remain true. Always be you. My heart would never lie to me about this. It may get confused from time to time, but your heart is something it would never allow me to miss. But I do miss you.
Shit, I was just thinking the other day when it was you and I in the car. I don’t remember whose car it was, but I do remember the conversation. We were talking about friendship and how I felt scarred. I felt like I could never have a female best friend again. And wow I’ll never forget your face. You did not seem happy at all. But I didn’t understand at the time. I was dumb. I did so many dumb things. That moment always stuck out to me. But there was another moment……
Empowered by love, I stand before you a broken man. No longer able to feel, I have no use for these hands. Holding your trust is no longer possible. Surrounded by lust, love no longer possesses my words. I stood my ground and survived every blow. With my heart no longer worn on this sleeve, these bruises I’ll never allow to show. Standing defeated, depleted by my own mistakes. I can’t help but wonder how much more I can take. It’s all fake, with a damn good time to cover it all. I hover over what used to be, carefully watching as the rain continues to fall. Collected rainfall to quench my thirst. A constant reminder that this is far from a first. Demons steadily lurk dreaming of my demise. Wondering if it’ll ever work, regrets of looking into the angel’s eyes. Another hive of black and yellow, it stings at just a thought. The bad and ugly used to define, for the good is what we forgot. It takes a lot to refrain from separation. To vanish would mean to leave behind that of no relation. Becoming stationed in the what ifs, demoralized by what is. Never following a trend, asking who is….For that does not ring a bell, but brings familiarity to light. Choosing to remain at the corner, no longer able to fight. What a sight to see, what a wonder to explore. The eyes of the connected have now fallen to the floor. No longer able to endure more, shock is sent to the lungs. Breathless at the moment, dying to breathe its air. In a life full of beauty, this strangely feels unfair. Shaking in despair, the unwanted becomes worthy. Forgetting the nerves, becoming numb to the moment. Spoken into existence, yet speechless when displayed clearly. It became everything to me. Be that there is so much to choose, the heart can only decide. Yet it still runs and hides. Fearing what became, a feeling so magnificent. Appalled by its outcome, but amazed by its deliverance. A hindrance nonetheless, created by delicacy. Such a sight to see. Cheek to cheek, the expression narrates the story. Describing a passing, unable to fathom what was believed to be for me. For if I was there, adoring unconditionally would no longer be considered mundane. Marks left by these words would no longer be just a stain. Refrained from consistency, witnessed by unprecedented predictability. Mythologized admiration replaces persistency. Beat after beat, this melody becomes familiar. Lyrically motivated, true love begins to form……if I was there.
Where do I start? I used to think about you everyday. Wondering where you are, how you are. I used to dream about your embrace. I used to smile thinking of the faces you would make. Who I am kidding? I still do. And I miss you. Sorry, is that okay? Why am I asking your permission? See, I used to have trouble with my feelings. What caused me to write all this was a bit exaggerated. What do I mean by this? In order to get my feelings across, I needed to deepen the meaning. It reflects how deep the love could be. But the problem was the action. I never reacted. I was always trying to be several steps ahead. What fun is that? Why try to be in full control? Why attempt to dictate when love arrives and how strong that love is? This makes it unnatural. This is not genuine. So I’ve learned that you allow the energy of love to take its course no matter how long it may take. Our crafts are nearly perfected through hard work and dedication. But my portrayal of this was incorrect. There may be nothing wrong with loving and loving hard, but nothing should ever be forced. My heart would beat so hard for you. I always felt this rush. It hurt me. So why continue to put myself through it? Not because I feared never having your love, but because of the fear of you never properly receiving mine. Time passes and those days become memories. How I constantly pray to do it all over again. This is not feasible in the slightest. My mark was made. But I was told that if I truly, I mean TRULY love, then I should not be afraid to love. I should not hold back my love to satisfy. I should not deter my love because it is what my heart desires to give. What I received was a gift that I was setting myself up for my entire life. The world brought you to me. Yet I felt like I always knew you. But your eyes, your smile…they were a breath of fresh air. Never had I felt anything like it. So now, you ask why I ask your permission. It is a call out for your words to bless my small ears. I promise I will listen. Because I hear you even when I’m not around you. I feel you. You left your mark. Unforced. You never asked me for a thing. Not even my love. You were just taking in the genuine care that I had for you. You are not who you were then, but you’ve grown and the pure parts of you would never fade. I believe in my heart that the epitome of who you are was shown to me. But I never looked at you as one thing. Your presence alone was not what I fell for. It was a million little things. Those things that made you…you. So as I journey through life, I hold dear to my heart the memories. And I want you to know that I meant every word. You helped me become honest with myself about how I feel by simply being you. And in return, I was honest with you. And my heart never forgot about you and that feeling you gave. But I am at ease. And I do, as I stated, love you. No matter the time or distance, that doesn’t change. I don’t try to make it change, nor do I force it upon the world. I just let it flow. Because I believe that the world will send it in the right direction. It is the million little things that I carefully observed and truly admired. A work of art. Perfection in the eyes of the lover.
I miss every little tiny thing. And that’s okay.
Another chapter has begun. This has to be the right one. I’ve learned that love cannot exist without truth. And I hope to find that in you. For months now, I have felt my heart ache for it, yearn for it. What I dearly need for survival only comes bit by bit. Hit by hit, suffering from the blows of this loveless space. Suffocating from the lack of breaths I have left to sigh in this heartless place. Will it ever be time? Will I ever be ready to look and find? Do I possess the strength to give it my all? Is there any will to get up again if I fall? Trapped in this house painted by the blood from the cuts that I now get to call scars. I can no longer fathom the essence of fresh air from afar. Toxic thoughts flow through my brain triggering ice water through my veins. On a high from your reply. I’m pathetic, I know. But what’s left of me I needed to show. No rush, as you should never run with your heart on your sleeve. Your touch allows me to breathe in what you breathe. Conceived by love destroyed by selfish demons. Engaging in too deep with forced reasons searching for a truer meaning. Defined by flaws with a story that I fear to tell. Another lost heart in this place I call hell. Burning desires to give until Love takes me back home. Patiently waiting impatiently by the phone. That is not where my heart lies, but a force says the opposite. I was born to love, but you know how I get. Enamored by simplicity, a conversation strengthens this dim light. I enter the clouds that blur my vision as I take flight. What have I done to get to this moment? Hearts I failed to have stolen. I’m a washed up love thief whispering good grief as I deplete before your precious eyes. But that is not I, for I have accepted Love into my heart again with no tears left to cry. I’m alive and here for your study, feel free to touch. Feel my warm skin as I take in your warm soul, a lack of lust. As you smile, remember that I too want your smile. For I have become possessive of the possessions I lack in my possession, all to say I hope that you can stay awhile. I can’t say that it’ll be perfect, but at the very least I can make it worth it. This is not a plea for your love, nor a cry for your attention. This is an attempt at retention, a love redemption. Lock me in Love. Lock me in.