There are times when things seem to get out of hand. Guys having issues with a girl, ladies having problems with a man. But as we grow older, we come to realize that at times we must move on. I mean feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. I’ve come to the realization that what I run back to isn’t necessarily what I need. It’s kind of like I believed everything I put in my head even though I don’t always believe everything that I read. Yes that means I read my mind that I supposedly have control over. What about those drunk words…aren’t they thoughts I have when I’m sober? To my mind, I’ve lost some access. Now I feel as if my entire social life is at risk. I can’t talk to chicks and I’m acting like a dick. I can’t make up my mind about that or this. Guess it’s all part of the list. The long list of things about me that aren’t right. I’ve lost sight of who I am and goddamn I can’t stand being unable to hold a girl’s hand without thinking man oh man, how can I be so bland? My words can only do so much for me, but I’m also a man of action. But every time I show what I’m made of, I feel as though there is something lacking. By the way these girls are reacting, it’s either they’re scared of me or they look at me as though I am crazy. Maybe I should start acting shady and keep to myself. It’s only good for my health since I feel like I’m dying inside, but if I move on, I’ll take with me my pride and hide. Or simply walk the paths of this earth knowing that even though I have hurt, I’m far from cursed. A new smile I’ll rehearse. Just to move on to better ways and happy days. My reasons to move on just continue to grow, so while I do so, just know that life has kicked my ass and I’ve eaten its dirt and tasted its grass. About my past is a question that does not need to be asked because as I stand here now on my own two feet, I know I’ve overcome defeat. I’m no longer weak. I stand strong and will continue to stroll along as with all odds against me, I’ve found reasons to move on.
We ran through the woods together. We made it through despite occasional harsh weather. Until that day where we came across a cliff. We couldn’t believe the drop, we remained stiff. Mother nature came to realize that our bond was strong enough to make it this long. She blew the strongest of winds, punishing us as if we did something wrong. I placed my body in front of yours and held your hands, protecting you from the fall. But I was forced to let go, it was Mother Nature’s call. I stumble and reach out to you to not let me go. My life flashed before my eyes, it all felt so slow. All I can see now is an endless drop. No matter how much I wanted you back, I would never be able to get back to the top. I keep my hands out, hoping for a miracle to happen. Then I couldn’t help but notice my hands, just couldn’t stop looking at them. They wanted to hold yours, hold you close, man I made a pledge! So I reached out with everything I had and grabbed on to the ledge. By this time, Mother Nature had blown you away. But I said to myself that I’d wait for you, holding on to this ledge is where I would stay. Now some time has passed, and occasionally I would call out your name. I would wonder if when you came back, if you ever came back, would you be the same. But you never came and now my body is weak. I was afraid I would never see those peaceful eyes, I would never hear you speak. I think of you a lot and start to believe that you’re never coming back, you’ll forever be gone. But I have a feeling in my heart and faith that you’ll one day come back and pull me up, so I continue holding on.
Have you ever wondered if something was really over? Have you ever really moved on, did you really get that closure? In life, we never like to keep doors of our past open. We can’t help but wonder if those doors were remained opened because of words unspoken. Now quote this: What goes up, must come down, but it’ll never hit the ground if there are still things preventing it to still around. Now isn’t that so true? Without the closure, you cannot move on completely to something new. Closure is the key to the many chambers of our heart. Closure is the little button we press to reset, restart. You cannot function correctly if your heart is not at ease. Trust me when I say that if your heart is not at ease, your brain cannot breathe. And if your brain cannot breathe, you cannot see. That means you become blind to what is actually reality. Now let’s take me for example. My life is like a soap opera channel. I really liked the first her, I didn’t care for second her, I thought I loved the third her, and I accidentally fell in love with the fourth her, so now there’s no her. Now I don’t know what to do for sure. From them all, except the first one, I got closure. I know how to get the final one, but I don’t want to. She’s what I consider my safe place, if she only knew. You see, closure is always wanted, but once in a while it is not needed. You want to revisit the small dirt area where you once watered and seeded. You want to see what has become of this area, is it dead or has flowers bloomed? Is it beautiful enough to lay and relax next to on a sunny afternoon? Closure is needed in almost every aspect of our lives. But some of the doors left open are open for good reason, you’d actually be surprised.
I poured out my heart to you and this is what you do!?!? You kept me in it emotionally, now tell me that ain’t true!! Now you’re gone from my heart and you don’t expect me to be hurt!?!? I put all I had into loving you, now MY face is in the dirt!! Okay, calm down, it’ll all be just fine. Just need to skip this check in my life, an emotional wine and dine. It was a long time coming, so I’ve run to safer places. My first love doesn’t want much to do with me, she sees my face and knows what disgrace is. So that leaves me all alone. The location of the matters of love in my heart are now unknown. So where does that leave me, as anger and sadness combine to create a devastating blend. How do I explain this, or even keep it all away from my friends? They can’t see me all alone even though I’m in their presence. I can’t possibly be alone, as my Lord and Angels watch over me in Heaven. But I continue to lay with my face in the dirt, hurt, dirt staining my brand new button up shirt. My mind races with the thought of you first. You, yes you, my first love, care, everything. This disgrace you see on my face is just the end before the new beginning. Rub the dirt off my shirt and then my face. Grab my hand and take me back to my safe place. The place where the matters of love exists in my heart need to be known. I need your help and will continue to forever acknowledge your beautiful existence as you end my time of being all alone.
I’m not impatient, but I want you. So tell me what it is that I did do. I haven’t heard from you in a little, it’s been a few days. I’m assuming you’ve gone back to your old ways. Well that would be your days without me, nothing else has changed. I know a phone goes both ways, but I’m not the one to blame. There’s no blaming going on here, I just need to know what’s up. I’ve been thinking what it is I did, but I’ve gotten to a point where I’m stuck. Did I come on too strong? Just hurry and tell me what I did wrong. I’m getting to a point now where I’m a little frustrated. I can’t take this any longer, you not talking to me, I hate this. You’re a crazy bitch. You make me sick. Soooo, are we good now? Should I smile and take a bow? I know I know, my acting is on the money. But lemme talk to you real quick honey. You’re missed! Yeah I know it’s been only a few days, but I couldn’t help but notice it. I wanna pick up the phone and call you, but don’t know how I’ll feel if you don’t pick up. I’ll kinda just sit there feeling dumb thinking now what. Should I just hit you up, should I stop acting crazy? Cause for all I know, you could be just waiting for me. I know it’s only been a few days, but I enjoy your conversation. I can talk to you forever no matter where it is I’m stationed. You kinda fill a void that I so desperately needed filled. And don’t worry, filling that void was free of charge, I promise you won’t get billed. You’ll just receive a receipt saying thanks and I love you. Thanks for making me feel good, thanks for making me feel brand new. I’m starting fresh you could say after all I’ve been through. So the best way to go about that was by running to you. But it’s been a few days and I’m afraid I’ve scared you away. It had to be something I did cause I would watch everything I say. Just know if you’re reading this, I want you to…come back per say. It’s been a few, but all I want you to do is come back and continue making my day.
I wake up with it on my mind. I open my eyes to a room where the sun never shines. Check my phone for any messages from you. There is none, but really, what’s new? You see, if I allow it to, it will take over my life. Things will always feel off, nothing will feel right. I have so much to say, so much to confess. So much to belt out, so much to get off my chest. I could pick up the phone and send a long text. But I need my voice to be heard, I need to quickly tell you what’s next. See the confession is better off done face to face. Eyes connected, we need to be in the same place. I’ll look deep in your eyes and maybe even hold your hand. We might have to sit cause I would be way too nervous to stand. And I would let it all out. I’ll finally tell you what all this was about. The power of my words will blow your mind. You won’t help but look at me and think that I’m simply one of a kind. How is he able to come up with these lines? How is he able to continuously rhyme and rhyme? I want to confess whatever this is I have for you. I’ve experienced this before with you, so i guess it’s all deja vu. Even if I’m not able to see your face, I need your voice. I can’t do this any other way, I don’t think I even have the choice. You see, you don’t see what I see. You don’t know how it is to be me. All you do is live day by day thinking, yeah, I’m a pretty okay individual. But without you even realizing it, there’s a man over here believing that you’re unbelievable. So unbelievable that I’m afraid to confront you about this feeling. I plan out how I’m gonna go about it every night staring up at the ceiling. But why am I so afraid? Maybe cause I believe that it is too late. You and I could never date. I took my sweet time thinking it’d be worth the wait. But it’s too late. Unless it’s not, please say something! I could really use you and your loving. I could really use your hug, I could really use your smile. I could really use your kiss, haven’t had one of those in a while. I could really use your encouragement. I could really use your support, I would love to witness your strong committment. But I promise you, I don’t wanna rush a thing. I wanna do it your way, just like it was in the beginning. You set the pace. Baby, it’s your race. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to call you that, I just couldn’t help myself. As you can see, I could really use your help. See there’s so much to say, so much to let out. Just a little scared cause I’m not sure you’re able to handle all of that, but that’s just my doubt. My words can turn your world around. I can have you put all your trust in me, I can prove that I’ll do all I can to not let you down. I want you to be my princess and eventually my queen. I want you to fully trust me and love me, nothing in between. I understand the time that it takes. And if you ask me to wait, then dammit I’ll wait! Just give me the confirmation. Give me that sensation from you telling me that we have to work at this before we go on our permanent love vacation. You could be reading this, but you have to hear it too. You need to know how I feel so you can allow yourself to feel it too. I go through this day by day. I just have to man up and understand that……you’re just a phone call away.
Everyone gathered around, ready to walk or run. Some are here to get into shape, some are here just for fun. Well, I’m here because this is my pathway to the zone, my zone. Headphones connected to the iPod, backup music on my phone. I walk never picking my feet up. I watch as my black sneakers collect dust. Thoughts fly through my head of how different this walk could be. I could of chose to stay home and continue catching up on Grey’s Anatomy. But you see, this walk was needed. Similar past events have happened to me so I accepted the fact that it was repeated. This walk could of actually consisted of running or walking and singing. But instead I decided to fly from the very beginning. Once I reached my zone, I kinda went blind to my surroundings. It suddenly became a bad idea to come here, to get in the zone, to believe I had wings. I became frustrated with life and it’s let downs. But how can I turn such an involuntary thing around? Even the smallest of let downs seem to disrupt my happiness. Even the smallest of disappointments leave me feeling helpless. Well not helpless, but in a mood I’d rather not be in. Whenever the bad moods end, they always, within days, begin again. Can I ever win? Guess I’ll forever be walking on this boulevard that never ends.