Missing, Missed, Misses, Miss

Hi. It’s been a while since I spoke to you here. I haven’t forgotten about you. It’s just…well it’s complicated. That’s why I’m here again. I want it back. Oh, are you curious to know what IT is? Of course you are. I came back for simplicity. Simple, remember? Simple girl, did you forget? Well I hope not. Just know that I…wait, no, I can’t say just yet. See, I have a hard time nowadays expressing myself. Every night before I sleep I realize that something wasn’t right. Days turn to night. Nights turn to day. That never changes, but how I’m feeling each and every day that passes does. Wait, am I allowed to explain or do I have to leave it at that? Well if I talk, you’ll listen. What have I done? What did I lose? Did I lose something I believed I had? Foolish me. All I wanted to do was learn, create, love. So why did i allow my myself to get the best of myself? It doesn’t seem to make a bit of sense. I took myself out of the equation allowing new additions. I miss it all. My heart misses it. What’s still around can still be missed. I’m missing you. Not you physically. Just…everything else.

So remember me for who I truly am. This imposter is irrelevant. Strangely, he misses you too. We stand side by side and just watch as the superpowers of my superwoman are absorbed by others. Bring me back to her in the dress I believed to be white. Bring me back to the birthday surprise. Bring me back to my curly hair…no my straight hair. I honestly don’t care. Just let my fingers do their thing on the head of the one who caused many late night thoughts, the head that was placed gently on my chest as the music played. Can I have a few seconds, a couple minutes, maybe even five hours so we can pick at each other’s brains. Even bring the damn deer back. Smile. Laugh. Run from me. Yell at me. Roll your eyes. Fight me. Call me ridiculous names. Get mad when we haven’t talked in a while. Hug me so I make sure I don’t let go this time.

You know…three little birds sat on my window and they told me not to worry. Summer’s coming and I hope it comes like cinnamon…so sweet. Vivy will be crossing things off the bucket list with Elty. I just wanna keep learning. I wanna keep creating. I miss it. My heart misses it. What’s still there can still be missed. I’m missing you.

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Better Me

Growing up, I believed in absolutely everything. No I don’t mean Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. I mean I believed that certain things would happen no matter what. That a new door would open if one was to suddenly shut. I always did what I was told since I was so afraid of my mother’s scold. I believed that with hard work and determination, a bright future for us all would unfold. Now I wonder what happened to that mindset. What did I think of as a kid that I could suddenly forget? Had I never been hurt by disappointment? I did, but as a kid, you’re able to get over it in that moment. I began doing everything for others, wanting to make them happy. This entire time, I forgot about one thing…me. So I am not who I want to be. At times I seemed like I was okay with that sadly. But here comes someone who I first believed would make me want to be a better me. Unfortunately, it was the opposite…I was unhappy. All hope lost, I lost the faith and allowed negativity to destroy me. After some time, I learned about positivity. Now look what it has brought to me. I was skeptical at first, but I got past that. She easily brought the kid in me back. That mindset I once possessed was alive again. I couldn’t believe what positivity had sent. I never wanted to pursue any dreams of mine. I had thoughts of traveling the world, but staying here was just fine. She makes me want to be a better me, not for anyone else but myself. What’s crazy is that I never asked for her help. Her being her was good enough for me, even though there are still many things I need to see. The process of being a better me is in the works, although it is going by slowly. I’m still fighting demons that pop their heads in every now and then. I’m always on the verge of giving up, the line is thin. But then I think of what if and what will be and I switch up. When I have her, who needs good luck? Our conversations mean the world to me. When she checks up on me and remembers things I may forget, it makes me happy. For someone to care like I do is unbelievable. I didn’t think finding someone like her was feasible. I’m hoping with her I get to walk through the sands of a quiet beach. She’ll be there when I dump the remaining negativity out into the sea as I become a better me.

Seconds Later

Attached at the hip? I think not. Obsession? I already said no so shame on you if you forgot. Have you ever felt instantly lonely once the last person you were with left the room? You were with them all afternoon. This is what I believe to be instant temporary withdrawl. Yes I made that up, I don’t know what the real thing is called. What it is basically, it’s when you were with someone you feel for and they leave. This leaves you feeling some type of way, but continue listening please. When you feel for someone, you automatically attach yourself to them without any control. You willingly let go, but your heart refuses to let go. What then happens is that they are away from you long enough for that attachment to snap. Now you have yourself back. Make sense? If it doesn’t, at least pretend. Lemme express myself a bit.

One minute I’m with you. The next minute I’m not. Seconds later I “miss” you. After a while, that feeling I can say I forgot. Seconds seem to last a lot longer than we expect. In a few seconds, we can say or do countless things we regret. Know that when we hug, I take in every bit of you that I can. At that position with you, I feel like I can forever stand. Letting go is always the toughest to do. I prefer being right there with you. The distance is always nice because it allows me to look forward to you. But those seconds later after I do, well if you only knew. I lay down, sit down, with a look on my face like I just heard the saddest news. I throw my headphones on listening to music that reminds me of you, like those rhythm and blues. This is a temporary fix. After a while, I learned some new tricks. Seconds later I need to occupy my mind with anything unrelated to you. Before I know it, you’re temporarily off my mind…time flew. But seconds later, damn, really though? I really have that much trouble letting you go? No. Understand that I just enjoy your company, you a decent distance near me, so I can look whenever I need to, to mess with you whenever I feel to. So seconds later is used to go back to not having you around. I don’t necessarily feel down. Can I admit something to you? I wanted to write this seconds later after I watched you leave. Countless times I believe. I’ve wanted to stop writing because who knows what you think of me. I probably sound like I’m love crazy. Like you’re the one and only lady. That life without you would mean absolutely nothing to me. It’s not that. These are words that you’d most likely never hear from anyone else, and that’s a fact. These words you would most likely not hear from me if it wasn’t for all this. Honestly, this might of no longer existed if wasn’t for those seconds later that you’ve been missed.

Speaking Of The Angel

People naturally talk about other people. Whether it’s good things or things that could get them in trouble. But whenever we do speak of someone and they walk by, we seem to pause a little. Then one of us feels the need to say, “hey, speaking of the devil…” I never understood why they couldn’t be called something else. I wonder how the first person who ever said that felt. Now I have instances where I’ve been talking about someone and they actually do come out of nowhere. I usually have my back to them so I don’t know that they’re there. There’s one person in particular that I speak of but I never seem to see first when I do. Yup, you guessed it….you.

I now see you more often than ever. That was not the case before but this is much better. Everytime I see you, my heart thumps extra hard where my chain dangles. My thoughts of you throughout the day allows me to say to myself when I see you, “speaking of the angel”. Whether you walk by or we actually cross paths, it’s always a pleasure. The more random it is, the better. When I know I’m gonna see you, I still get nervous. When I randomly see you, my heart drops down below my necklace. Highly spoken of, you’re the heart of my conversations. Highly thought of, this blog is our version of The Notebook. Many people don’t appreciate others having their name in their mouth. If you’re name comes out, most likely we all know what it’s gonna be about. Key words: beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, unique, smile, eyes, hair. Whenever I speak of the angel, one of those words will be there.

Speaking of the angel, please never regrow your wings. Please continue to dance, please continue to sing. Don’t change unless it’s for the better. Forever hold on to that letter. Smile often, frown rarely. Make me laugh, go ahead and mock me. When anything is going on in your life, please share. Oh and you better never cut your hair. I’d still adore you without it, but I rather it stay. Let me know if you’re ever feeling some type of way. Pursue your dreams, travel the world. Always be my angel on earth.

Creative Process

I consider all this our little mini daily conversation where only I speak. Or this is my journal where all my thoughts are leaked. Anyways, what goes through my mind during these writing sessions? Do I write when I’m happy or when I’m stressing? It’s actually a simple process. A creative process. What goes into it is what decides what comes out. For the most part, I never know what the next post will be about. I don’t hesitate too much when I write. It’s pretty much my thoughts being written instantly on sight. But I feel like you deserve to know how all this goes down if you haven’t already guessed. These are thoughts and feelings confessed.

It starts with you. Without you, all this I wouldn’t do. Um let’s see. A lot of times, a thought pops into my head based on something specific you’ve said to me. Basically a memory. Whether it really made me upset, jealous, or happy. I write as if I’m speaking directly to you at times. I take the time sometimes to reveal meaningful words that may be hard to find. I make sure I make it clear that it’s you I’m writing about. By the end of a post, you shouldn’t have any doubt. I always seem to bring up your smile, eyes, laugh, or hair. The other things about you may seem like things I don’t care for, I swear. Those main things are what caught my attention. They are the foundation of this all, they were the originals in attendance. Here I pour out not only feelings, but signs that I’ve been listening, I remember, I always will. I make sure that you and I get our poetic fill. I honestly write the best when I’m jealous or trying to prove a point. I don’t know if you noticed the amount of undercover things I’ve written on this joint. I used this as a way to keep you posted, to keep you interested. I want you to not forget that I’m here, I want you to see how all this has developed. Such a creative process goes down pretty much everywhere. I’ve written in the shower, on the bus, at all hours of the night,  but never with you here. When you’re here, I rather say what I want to say, which is harder. I don’t know, maybe I should just approach it smarter. Anyways, the creative process starts with you. A little bit of old stuff is involved, but then of course there’s something new. The writing is based off what has been said, what has been learned, what has recently occured. Me running out of things to write is something that’ll never be heard. You’re not just someone to write about because all this is real. This has always been for your eyes to read, your mind to process, and your heart to feel. Without you, the creative process does not exist. I’ll continue being your prince charming as long as you continue being my lovely princess.

Faith

A lot of times the world works against us. We’re always in a situation where we fight and fuss. When we’re hit over and over again with pain and disappointment, we tend to give in. Be forgiving cause it’s a cruel world we live in. Mother nature takes it’s toll on us in order to strengthen us for what’s next. It’s honestly all for the best. When we’re striving for the things that will make us happy, we can get lost along the way. Our minds get lost in the clouds as a wise one once did say. But I believe we get buried under all that is attempting to crush our spirits. Yes the yelling, they can hear it. But the problem is, they don’t fear it. They use it to their advantage. Demonstrating any signs of pain or struggle is what they want us to do cause it’s all part of their antics. We can pull through this thing called life using one of our best weapons…faith.

As my friend Time continues to pass, I’ve noticed a substantial increase. As I look down, I’m staring at it’s feet. We walk on the same paths, we occasionally cross. When we’re at a stand still, I cannot believe my eyes who I’ve come across. Faith disguised as a 5’2” young woman. Her eyes are like a beautiful eclipse, but don’t ever get caught looking. She has a dangerous roll that she uses to express herself nonverbally. I’ve experienced it many times so I suggest that you believe me. Those who remember my superwoman know that there are powers that only she possesses. I control myself to the extreme trying to avoid becoming obsessive. She pulled me in close and used her greatest power. She hugged me and with affection, I was showered. What might come as a surprise is that Faith took me by the lungs. Yes she took my breath away, although at first it wasn’t fun. But after a while I realized she was helping me breathe in and out. I was understanding what she was all about. She would occasionally smile that would make me smile. She learned how to instill happiness and calmness into me like a mother to a child. Now there’s a difference between faith and Faith. The disguised Faith is something personal to me. The other faith is something I’ve always had, but can never see. See we all need to have faith and possess a Faith in our lives. One that will help us get through and one to always stick by our side. Faith, understand that you took my breath away to only help me breathe. You refused to stop my heart cause you wanted it to stay a part of me. Simutaneously you wanted these hearts to beat. So as I believe in you, you also should believe in me. As you are Faith, I believe you also possess it. Don’t overthink it. Let me do the thinking for us both. You can think once we get a bit close. Have faith in the path we’re about to take. As we slowly arrive at our destination, it’ll all be worth the wait.

Attention To Detail

You are one amongst billions. Yet many would only look at someone as one in a million. What differentiates you from the rest of them? A diamond in the rough, a sparkling gem. We all can see the obvious features you possess. What about the rest? It’s the little things that at times we notice, but you never have. It’s the way you walk when you pass me by. That look you make when you know I know you’re looking at me but I won’t look you in the eyes. It’s when you hear me sing a song you asked me to listen to and you smile. When one pays attention to detail, it’s the little things that matter. I always know when you’re happy to see me cause you hug a little bit harder. You ever noticed how much your eyes flutter? I mean it only happens when you’re rolling your eyes and have that attitude like whatever. I seem to notice when you’ve changed your nail color. I can usually name the color you had before and which one looks better. You know that I envision you as three different people. Ask me later and I’ll explain in full. It all depends on how your hair is that day. It makes me look at you differently in a way. But it really is the attention to detail where I notice the little great things. Like the spot on your shoulder blades where there used to be wings. Ha, no but really, there’s so much more to notice with time. I wanna know the little things before I…nah, forget that line. Know that I take the time to notice, you fascinate me. I can tell you that I focus so much attention on every part of you but that’s for you to see. With you, time is my best friend. Time will never end. Time allows me to take you in for all that you are. Whether we’re face to face or I’m smiling at your presence from afar. I’ll tell you now that I WILL know you better than pretty much everyone. That was the direction I planned to take since this all begun. You’re my gem and I refuse to share you without having a firm grasp. I want the last time I see you to actually never be the last. Watch as I continue to shock you with little things about you, it’ll never fail. The essence of who you are is only seen through attention to detail.