Your words filled my head. With the nonsense on its way out, I was filled with your words instead. You eloquently made your way to the very place where I created you. Daydreams of meeting you. Nightmares of losing you. I now share your physical presence. Damn, how you excel with your deliverance. The things you say simply rain on me, with my smiles starting to bloom like the flowers do in May. You are my Spring. I can remember the first time I saw you. You approached me with such poise that I felt like you already knew what was inside my head. I was an open book. But you didn’t stay for long. Girl of my dreams. Sad that I had to wake to reality. Until I met you again. You looked nothing like before. Approached me nothing like you did. But I knew it was you.
I’m sorry but I cannot go on. I cannot sit here and pretend that you ever laid there and thought of me. But again, at one point I was sure you did. Without saying it, you made your decision, without even knowing you had a decision to make. And I ask you now. You ain’t gon change your mind? What about your heart? See I know your heart doesn’t do what your mind tells it to. But what’s going through your mind? There’s something about you I’m trying to address but I can’t seem to put my finger on it. Maybe it’s that you’re missing a love sweet enough to give you a rush, but still gentle to the touch. I think I have what you’re looking for.
Brown sugar. A sugar that looks you in the eyes when you speak. A sugar that holds you close and takes your soul in when you dance. A sugar that wants to be in tune with the way your mind works and the way your heart beats. Shit. I think I fell in love with you when I first laid my words on you..and you laid your words on me. You are the hot hazelnut coffee and I am your cream and sugar. Extra extra. Brown sugar. I admire your skin. Pleasing to the eye. Luscious to the touch. Infatuated by the smell of your hair. Close enough to breathe the same air. You are my brown sugar.
Poetic in the way I state your name. Creative in the way I play our game. We’re searching for the words in each other’s minds as they are hidden amongst thoughts disguised as letters. Confused as a word search, this…is a soul search. To understand who, what, where, when, why, and how…we play the game. See, when I touch your hand, I caress the back. This is for me to find the vein that leads to your heart. But I thought this was a mind game. Unlike most mind games, this one is for good. My approach? To do things the opposite way. Get to your heart, hoping it reveals the key to your mind. That is how I’m going to figure you out.
Girl of my dreams disguised as brown sugar. How sweet…
Lady in distress. She puts on her burgundy dress. Ready to impress. Nonetheless she’s hurting inside. Surrounded by so much, there’s really no place to hide. But she still finds time to cry. A silent heartbeat. She’s weak. But she doesn’t wanna let it show. What kind of reaction would she get if everyone were to know? She rather not know.
Lady in love. She’s in so deep that when she wants out, she can’t escape, she’s stuck. A love that doesn’t feel like it used to. They don’t say the things they used to say or do the things they used to do. It hurts to leave what you’ve known for so long. But it’s killing her how she always feels like she’s in the wrong. She has to stay strong
Lady in pain. The reoccurring bullshit hurts her over and over again. Most don’t understand, some don’t even try to. Everyone is selfish with their own lives, but what’s new. It’s cool, she can get through this on her own. She just needs to silence the voices out and get in her zone. The heartache is a mistake. That feeling in her stomach sadly isn’t fake. She’s in a devastating place.
Lady. You maybe? Keep that head up, as no one should ever make you feel like giving up. You’re a unique, beautiful human being with so much to give. You’re the reason for someone out there to live. Your heart is a pot of gold. Your mind is the way to your soul. Beautiful. You are precious to me. You are lovely. Hand in hand. Continue to be a phenomenal woman. Remember that someone out there strongly adores everything you show and all that you hide. Cross my heart, and hope to die.
Current Mood: Heavy-hearted with a side of confusion. Day by day I swear I’m losing it. I was ready. Dammit I was ready. Ready to be invested in a what seemed like a blessing. But I’m a pro at second guessing. I look at myself in the mirror to remember what it felt like to smile for absolutely no reason at all. Now suddenly it feels like I took a fall. I’m appalled at how my mind races with no end in sight. I think about approaching, but I don’t and it takes all my might. I’m stuck in a dilemma created thru the very thing I cherish. Maybe I can fix it before it completely perishes. Maybe this is the hard part. Or maybe I went the wrong way to her mind and came too close to her heart.
The confusion arises from daily encounters. Unbloomed flowers, there’s no sunshine when it’s gone. I must of done something wrong. I must of said the wrong thing. I must of made it into something the complete opposite of how it was in the beginning. See I got too deep, when nothing was steep, everything smooth as can be. Messing shit up simply defines me. Head down, I managed to scare away what had me in awe. It was all so pure, so genuine, so raw. So quotable, I was focused on what was said, thrilled for what would be done. Now I’m back to stage one.
I wanna apologize for letting me get the best of me. Apparently I don’t appreciate being happy. Forgive me for not believing you were real. I just couldn’t put my finger on how different you made me feel. Please look at yourself and understand that you’re special for undiscovered reasons. And you…you should of been someone I believed in. Things may never be the same and I am singlehandedly the one to blame. What a shame. We were playing such a rewarding game. But thank you for being you. Because you are who I’ve been searching for to simply test my intellect and make me do my best. To get that feeling in my chest as you take away every breath with the things you say and the way you say them. If it’s you that’s reading this, I’d like for you to know that I’m still constantly thinking of you. And when I see you, I just wanna smile. But I don’t, because I’m afraid if I smile, you no longer will smile back. And honestly, that would break my heart
Cross my way. Not a word to say. Pass me by. Left with a side look and the occasional sigh. We turn and turn in a daze, confused about our recent ways. Thoughts out of this world, we’ve occupied the outer space. Secretly, distantly, I admire your face. To describe what makes you admirable I couldn’t, it’s not my place. But that smile I can’t erase. That feeling I can’t replace. This heart will continue to beat at its own pace. Involuntary. What I cannot control is kind of scary. But what I can control is out of control. No words to hold. My mind has been sold. Sold to the devil for another chance at what makes life worth it. And that’s figuring it all out. The bullshit we can all do without. My mind is weak as I speak to fake, missing the truth. High I need to feel. What’s inside I need to reveal. But what’s going on is not under my control. Involuntary.
For the last time, I’m not in love. I’m not depressed. Don’t mistake my mishaps and apologies for weakness. I’m simply a man addressing an issue that has affected him negatively. So I fucking apologize for giving a damn about how I feel. I apologize for believing shit should be good, could be good if I just let go and let life do its thing. I can’t miss something that made me feel good in ways I never felt? It’s not hard to grasp and understand that when something special gives you a sample, you do all you can to discover it in its entirety. Consistent, persistent. Never become distant. I cannot lie to myself and let myself down. Fuck this. I know what I want and best believe I’ll get it.
Fight for what you love.